Friday, May 29, 2009

The Road by Cormac Maccarthy: A Poetic Response

A Father and His Son
Each the other's world entire.
One hidden campsite to the next
Through a waste of ash and fire
.
"You promised you'd never leave me."
A promise I'm dying to keep
Waking means to see his face
ripe with promise
beautiful even in sleep
.
Gaunt and angelic, refined 
by hunger and fatigue, 
Questions that mean 
more than they ask.
.
Eyes that beg 
to be shielded from the truth
wide with fear and denial
Make me a liar 
.
Waking means to see his eyes
and a bloody cough neither can deny
that keeps us both awake
to see him tremble
knowing when next he wakes, 
I will not.

CHAPTER 12 The Here and Now:On Being Stretched and Marking 20 years in the Body of Christ.

For the Prologue and Chapter 1-11 see the archives to the right.
CHAPTER 12
So I'll be 38 in a few days. but just 3 days later I'll celebrate the 20th anniversary of my Baptisim. If you had asked me at my high school graduation what the next 20 years would look like I would never have been able to describe the journey across oceans and continents. More importantly I would never have been able to predict the kind of person I would become and what experiences, good and bad, would shape that person. 
I feel like my present and future are balanced on a thin strand and events could fall any of several ways. Some moments I feel it like the way some people can smell weather coming or feel it in a familiar spot that aches before rain. And I confess it makes me more than a little afraid.
Some days my doubting heart fears that the imminent changes will be catastrophic failure. 
Not that I'll be crippled in an accident. Not that I'll lose my job. not that I'll end up homeless. Not that my health will fail.
I fear disappointing God and my church family. 
Like not being able to get to 100% and help with disciple-making and church planting in France.
Like mis-managing Missions @ CUMC so that people are less inclined to go than when I started. 
Like never maturing into the kind of man somebody's daughter will want to marry. I look at the global fame of people half my age and think "that's success."
Then I shake my head at my own follow and remember that God's definition and man's definition of succes are totally different. More than fame glory or riches to one day hear 11 powerful words...
"Well done, good and faithful servant. Enter into your Master's joy!"
The truth is that I would be a failure 10 times over in the eyes of the world if only Jesus will hold me near and squeeze into this thick scull that He loves me and will never give up on me.  As a single guy, who understands aloneness better than he'd like I can say that rejection doesn't frighten me. Except by God Himself.
That's what keeps me in the Word and in prayer. The constant need to get as close as posible to the source of my faith and the pilot of my heart's vessel. Nothing feels more like "success" than seeing need where HE sees need and being able to participte in His plan to be glorified by providing.
I'm better at the being weak so that He be shown strong part than I am at th being convinced of His goodness minute by minute.
I will say that my faith is the srtongest where it has ben tested and stretched by adversity and having no other  option than to TRUST Him. 
I wish more of our leaders and community of faith would talk about how they fight off doubts and despair and how often. I'm always about halfway in before I remember to remind myself that I've ben here before and that even the worst Satan can do would be worth enduring for Jesus who endured THE WORST for me. I pray your commitment to give and endure everything you can to make His name famous will grow and be challenged, even if it's uncomfortable. Soli Deo Gloria.
PS. To celebrate my Birthday I edited and repost here a not from Facebook that I wrote a few months ago. 
I recently discovered through love language literature that I have a lot to learn about myself and about other people…this is a beginning.
One for every year I’ve been alive.
2-Words of Affirmation and Touch came in a distant second and third. But the other 2 languages (Gifts and Acts of Service) got ZERO love with me. I can truly say that the thing that honors me is the time it takes you being thoughtful. I'd just as well spend that same amount of time hanging out with you than have you spend money to show me you care...unless it's supportin me for France.
3-I love to read...fiction and biographies and autobiographies especially of spiritual giants or little-known missionaries...but I have to know what the characters or subjects are thinking.
4-I would rather be blind than lose my hearing ; I would rather give up food than music and y'all know this heffuh loves to eat!
5-As easy as it is to teach and speak in public...I am very self-conscious/not confident with my looks/body image. That's why I hate photos. They tell the truth and they are never kind. So even though I tease folks a lot...pay attention and you'll notice I never tease about things that people can't change like their looks or their weight. Never. Not ever.
6- I only tease people I have decided to like.
7-I don't know how to be half a friend..unfortunately it's all or nothing. Why waste time just bein acquaintances and forget that probationary period...Full Access Now!
8-I love blue. I don't mean I like it...I mean I love it...especially intense blues like the ones god made...sky blue and the blue of tropical waters. Not dark blue tho.
9-I wish I could go to school year-round as my profession. Get paid to read/learn/study and talk about it with others who love it too...that would be the life!
10- Someday I will record at least one serious album of music that I like and might even write some of it. Just for myself to prove I can, and so my god-children will at least know "my voice."
11-I have a lead foot.Still. even though I had my license suspended twice in my life because of it. Doing much better now but so tempting to speed. Help? 
12- I hate to mop and I loathe washing dishes by hand.. I can't wait to get to dirt-free heaven with its metaphorically perpetually shiny streets.
13- I have almost every card or letter you've ever written me and I read them at least once a year to refute the lie I still have trouble with {that I don't deserve to be loved or that no one "really" loves or likes me}
14- I cry when I'm sad AND when I'm happy. So I love sappy songs and movies.
15- I want to be "made" into a tennis player. Not famous but good. I found a coach so we'll see what happens.
16- I hate white chocolate, and mint-chocolate, and chocolate with fruit usually... but I have a serious addiction to milk chocolate...hersheys is my heroin!
17-I speak English, Spanish and French, but I'm also working on Arabic, and Italian is next.I also plan to learn Aramaic and Greek.
18- I love LIVE trees. Especially the big green fluffy ones that look like what kids draw.
19- I am an auditory learner and a verbal processor but I like to have time to work on my ideas until i'm sure they say what I mean.
20- My second dream job would be Literary Editor. I love to read and help figure out how to make it say what you really mean. And I never need spell check. Except with the plurals of tomat and potat...lol!
21- I'm terrible at staying in touch.
22- I can't swim yet...workin on it..but Kim says I look like I'm drownin when I practice.
23-I hate good-byes...it takes me months of secret grieving before-hand to not sob when the time comes to really say good-bye. It always feels like death to me because I know the quality time is over.
I even cry when the journey with characters in a new bok are over...but it's why I love sequels.
Heaven is our sequel and it NEVER ENDS!
24- By the end of this year I'm gonna move to France and help revive the fires of faith and passion for Jesus there for the rest of my life.
25- I love kids. I want 10 or 12 of my own someday and would love to be a stay at home dad for a year or two for each of them.
26-I fear growing old...alone.
27-I love the harmonica. Wish I could play.
28-I open and download every cd I buy, even gifts...but you are always the first to "listen" to it. It's sharing : )
29- I liked Harry Potter and Twilight, I read comics when I get a chance..but my favorite stories are Ruth from the Bible, Cosmic Christmas(Max Lucados nativity from the angels' perspective) and the Giving Tree. I share/read them to every class I teach.
30- I hate change but I love to adapt. I like routine but I crave variety.
31- I hate the cold but I love to ski!
32- I am discovering that in consumption I love great singers..no matter what song or style. 
33- I'm competetive; I am stubborn and I love to win.
34- I love to play games but laughing is the best part.
35-I am the richest man on earth because I have friends like you!
36- Snoopy. Coolest dog ever. Hobbes Coolest "cat"...ever..(well maybe Skeezus too)
37-Heroes, Fringe, coolest shows..ever.
38- I am writing again after 20 years. Follow me on twitter at Ricardo33AD .

Thursday, May 28, 2009

CHAPTER 11 The Dominican Republic and France

Why has it taken me so long to start fundraising for France? Why is fundraising going so slowly.
These are questions I answer everyday. Most of the time I give a short verion that is the whole but abridged truth.
The answer has several parts but they all make sense to me.
1-I really believe God called me to love the people in my community as much as He calls me to love the French.
2-For me, loving my community means seeing the followers of Christ in Horry and Georgetown counties ON FIRE to reach outside the walls of the 'church" buildings to love the broken, poor, and neglected of the community. I wanna see every church be the Church.
3-I have seen how a short term trip to a different culture with different challenges can really make our hearts ache for the same things that grieve God's heart. So I want as many followers of Christ to experience short-term Missions as possible!
4-For two years I have supported the efforts of CUMC to send short-term and long-term misionaries abroad. It took a year, after Uganda, to hear God say work closer to home. Then after we had researched 11 or 12 different nearby countries God spoke to us and all by himself chose the Dominican Republic.
5-The last year has been spent planting a full-time Missionary in the DR and bringing her home to re-evaluate our strategy. In fact I had the privilege of accompanying the Team that went to minister to the orphans at Jackie's House and help Tasha pack for home. We also spent several days in construction at the new home under-construction for those same orphans. I spent that week unashamedly building a relationship with 19 year old wilkin Feliz a lonely believer at the new house. He guarded the empty house, living there alone with his sick 4 year-old neice Perla. We really clicked and he explained how he really had no one to mentor him. And he asked when I was coming back? It made me realize how hard short-term misions is for me now. I want to establish deep relationships, it's what I do best. But to do that in a week and then have to say goodbye forever is like torture to me.
The final months of Tasha's stay were spent deciding how best to continue our relationship with the DR. This led us to decide to use a sending agency called SCORE to send future teams. Our goal is for lifegroups to plan to go as a team. SCORE does all the rest for $65-$80 per day! They organize everything for you except the plane tickets. The Missionary team/ Lifegroup gets to choose all daily activities and the length of their stay.
6-My work now consists of mentoring my replacement and building a team to recruit, train, and manage Missionaries and Foreign Missions at CUMC.
7- I really only began full-fledged prayer-support and fundraising in October of 2008. Since that time I have added monthly sponsors to cover 18% of my monthly budget and have raised almost $10,000  of the amount needed to move and pay for pre-field training.
8- I still work full-time to support myself. I still am part of the team that leads worship every week at my church. I actually have more responsibility and rehearsal time per week now because the vocal leaders had to step up and take turns leading on Sundays. You never understand how difficult something is until you're in the hot seat yourself!
Anyways, my schedule doesn't leave a lot of room for people-raising.
9= Some of my pledge partners haven't started giving. They usually believe they don't need to give until I announce a departure date. The truth is that I can't even begin training until I get 100% of my budget covered in pledges AND all those pledges are coming in 100% every month.
10-Most of my partners have come from sharing the vision with small groups. I need friends and supporters to consider hosting me and several of their friends or family for dinner or dessert so that i can share the vision and the financial and prayer needs to make this dream a reality.
11-The economy. I don't to even say any more but I will. I believe God wants me to help plant RED-HOT Christ follower in France. So I believe He will provide everything needed to get there. 
And my actions will reflect my faith in Him.
12- This has been home for 15 years in August 2009. It's hard to pull up the roots and leave behind my closest friends and family-in-Christ. I needed time to work through the potential grief and tears of letting go of "home."
These last 10 years at CUMC have been a time of exponential growth and uphill challenges. I've learned a lot about the pitfalls AND joys of leading and following in Ministry. It's never been more fun...or more difficult. Many days I feel I have a target on my back. I know Satan is after me...after all he is the Enemy, the Accuser. I also know that unbelievers aren't my enemies. Sometimes they hurt us but that should never surprise us. We did the same before Christ.
What's hardest is the pain caused by fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. And the shame that I sometimes cause the pain for myself and others.
So I have begun stepping back from all ministries except worship and Missions. I'm down to just one lifegroup again. I had three up until a few months ago!?! Now it's just me and the guys on Tuesday night where I've been for 3 or 4 years. I treasure them and the impact they have in my life for Christ.
Will 2009 see me 100% full-funded? Only you can say. 
Would you consider pledging and beginning to give a monthly gift?
Or would you host a small meeting of 3 or 4 friends/couples where we could share the vision together? 
Above all, will you commit now to pray for me until/when God makes it all happen?
I know you will. Thank you for your encouragement and your support. May every moment and every penny bear fruit 10, 100 , and 1000 fold for Jesus the Christ!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

An Autobiography : Preface- Who Is Ricardo and Why France?

PREFACE

I really needed to vent and process in writing the seasons and steps along this journey that led me to be who I am now. So several posts of this blog are devoted to an autobiography of sorts. It is not exhaustive but it is long. There are 12 Chapters (as of 08/08/09). All can be found along the right margin under May. They should be read in numerical order Preface, then Chapters 1-12, but they are filed chronologically (12,11,this Preface,10, 9,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8).

Warning:Chapter 1 deals with some issues of abuse.

You see, I don’t believe you can understand fully “Why France?” until you see what led me to France in the 1st place. You have to know this skinny kid who arrived there as ‘Rick’ and left as a young man named “Ricardo.”

I’ll apologize now for some artistic license. I am sure somewhere there is a rule against switching back and forth between the first person and the third person when referring to one’s own self. However I wrote it like I felt it.

About names. Yes I reveal my full name. Mainly because many of you will correctly assume my family calls me Rick. Rick and Nick. And it’s important to see our full names to see how my names caused an identity search that spanned two continents.

This does not convey permission to use my middle name or other nicknames. No one calls me Ricky. I don’t know why it produces such nausea in me but I can’t even accept joking about it. And my middle name just doesn’t suit me. It’s a little embarrassing when said aloud. But I digress.

The important thing to notice is that I was Rick until I figured out who I was, but when I did I became Ricardo and the two are definitely NOT the same person.

I have broken the narrative into chapters that can each be read in one sitting or skipped.

There are other postings relating to the Missionary-to-be and his curent thoughts and activities. But if you wanna know the person and why he is who he is, then read on.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

CHAPTER 10 Never Say Never to God: Africa 2007

Immediately after returning from France in the summer of 2005 I began participating in what has become the leadership learning event of my year. The Leadership Summit is a focusing and rejuvenating 2 day conference,  sponsored by Willowcreek, that is broadcast yearly to satellite sites like Christ United Methodist every August
*
I was not really prepared for how God would rock my world. He would make me question every decision I had made about the church as an entity. 
*
I was forced to rethink what the church ought to be  motivated by and what her work should look like in the rest of the world outside her doors.
*
See, I had always said I really didn't have a desire to go to Africa. In the African American community the relationship to that continent is somewhat like the relationship of a Muslim to Mecca, or a Jew to Jerusalem: you are supoosed to long to make the pilgrimage "home" at least once in your lifetime. But Africa is hot and dry and poor. I had already experienced hot and dry growin up in the country in Lancaster, South Carolina.
*
When I thought of Africa I didn't think of home or of finding my ancestors.  See some Black people have a need to "know who they are." Some have even successfully traced their ancestry back beyond slavery to the Mother continent.  Most Blacks can only trace their lineage back to the time of slavery because the slaves were given new names by their masters. Sometimes their names were even changed when resold. See the miniseries ROOTS by Alex Haley for a good picture of this. Kunte Kente is broken when he is beaten in order to make him accept his slave name Toby. 
*
Africa represented for me a history with which i could never fully connect because i didn't even know what part of Africa was "home." 
*
To complicate matters I should show some grace to my parents. It is not surprising that parenting and emotional intimacy was difficult for them. Neither ever met their own father. neither was sure who their father was. My mom grew up taking care of her 6 younger siblings, sometimes even missing school to do so. But I imagine she was reminded everyday that their father was only her stepfather. I'm sure she grew tired of explaining why her last name was different than theirs. I remember when education became important to me. She told the story of how she didn't graduate on time because at the end of her senior year she had missed too many days helping out around the farm and helping her mother with the kids. She did receive her diploma a few months later but missed out on an invitation to college. I refused right then to be trapped in Lancaster.
*
I must also say I that bear my father no grudge or ill will. But it HAS taken years and some revelations to forgive and love him. See we had a grandmother, Azalee, on his side. And she was the sweetest most perfect grandma you could imagine. We knew that she had helped raise my father. So I couldn't understand how someone so mean, my father, could be that way after experiencing such pure love.
*
As a teenager I remember the agony of weeping FOR this man I thought I hated when mom told us some of his story. Not only did he never know his father, but his mother was killed when he was young by a man who may have been his father. He spent the rest of his childhood being passed around from relative to relative. Eventually he ended up with his Grandfather and his second wife Azalee. And his grandfather was uncommunicative and authoritarian. I wept because I realized he probably had never felt loved or wanted in his life. And he was probably angry that his mom was taken away and angry that he had so many questions that could never be answered. 
*
Questions I now knew I could never hope to answer.  Who am I genetically? Where did my people come from? Do I look like them? What did they do for a living? What were their talents? Would they be proud of me?
*
The Leadership Summit made all of that irrelevant. Several speakers really rebuked the Bride of Christ for her lack of compassion and outreach to the poor and needy in the world. They challenged us, me, to reach out in our local community AND to reach across oceans to end the AIDS crisis and World Hunger. They called it stupid hunger because there is enough food on the planet to feed everyone on the planet everyday. In our country alone we throw AWAY enough food to feed several Third World nations. The more they urged, cajoled, and chastised the more this restless I became. 
*
I remember at the end of the Summit that I grabbed my Pastor by both shoulder and looked him in the eye and said "We have to reach out beyond the walls of our own church! When people hurt or are in need, it should be our hands and feet, in Jesus' name, that show up to help."  I commited then and there to fight to see our church more outwardly focused and globally involved!
*
So naturally God challenged me not long afterwards with an invitation to help establish a missionary relationship between CUMC and an orphanage in Uganda. We had raised an incredible sum of money, the Christmas before, to construct shelters for the children made famous by Invisible Children. They were forced to flee their villages and towns by the hundreds every night so as not to be abducted and conscripted into the rebel armies. Often their first act after being kidnapped was having to kill one or all of their family members. This was designed to make them feel too guilty and alone to turn back.
*
They would flood the cities where they expected safety but end up sleeping on the streets because there was no room for all of them. Finally organizations began to build shelters where they could come nightly and find beds, food, and compassion.
*
We wanted to be able to send misionary teams from our church to be involved in that work but it didn't work out. So we turned to an orphanage in the same country, Uganda, that took in abandoned and abused children. The orphanage emlployed Ugandans to care for the children and procured adoptive parents for the abandoned.
*
How could I say no to that, even if it meant eating the words I had foolishly uttered many times. "I'll never go to Africa!" This spitfire tiny misionary girl named Tasha and I would co-lead the trip which she had done all the work to organize. We recruited a team that included my brother/son Brandon and his future wife, and several other young women from the church whom I really admired already for their godliness. I packed bags and my portable keyboard and headed to Africa.
*
A note about the keyboard. 4 years earlier I had been working at First United Methodist Child Developmnt Center when they received a donation of unwanted playthings. Among them was a 2 foot long miniature keyboard they thought might be fixed but didn't work. I jumped right on that offer. Every morning I would arrive at work early to play piano a bit, and then again on my lunch break, because I didn't have one at home. By then someone had taught me how to play praise songs using the cheat sheets and chord charts of worship musicians. 
I took the keyboard home and turned it on. It still worked! I opened the battery compartment and removed the 6 D batteries that had burst open and corroded inside it.  How could it work with busted batteries? I replaced them, and as the Lord is my witness, I would play for hours a day but never, never, had to change the batteries unless I left it on without playing and forgot to turn it off. I played it in Honduras, in France,  for my friends from Refuge, for the Youth at CUMC when I worked with them, and it went everywhere I went.
*
Months before Uganda it was stolen out of my car which had broken down and been towed. They caught the thief in the act but held the keyboard as evidence until just before our departure! I knew God meant for me to take it. I ended up leaving it there with one of the Ugandan men who wistfully aid that his church needed a keyboard. Now I would like to appear unselfish but I knew I had a state of the art full-sized keyboard back at home. The praise team knew how much I loved playing. So when mine was stolen they all chipped in and bought me a Yamaha for Christmas. When they presented this familiarly shaped wrapped box I just wept. I still play it almost every day.
*
I digress. So we get to Uganda and literally just join the staff as volunteers caring for and teaching these preschool childrn and infants. We changed loads of diapers and worked in 6-8 hour shifts. Three of the women, (two young moms, and a single young adult) even seriously considered adopting one of more the infants they each had cared for and become attached to. I of course was attached to several children as well. Jeremias is clearly handiapped, mentally and physically.  One might even say unattractive but I gravitated towards this kid who most people would avoid. Several children reminded me of my brother and sister as kids and made me long for my own. None touched me as deeply though as Tolo.
*
Tolo had been rescued from malnourishment. She had the unnaturally large belly and small limbs of one who has almost starved to death. She would only allow a few of the workers to touch or hold her and never seemed to smile or play. Some part of me desperately wanted, needed to see her connect and heal.  You may have attended the service at CUMC where we shared some about our adventure and each team member held up pictures of the children from Amani Baby Cottage. If you had looked closely you would have noticed that while everyone else held up 2 different children I held 2 pictures of Tolo. And my tears were not just from the power of what we as a team had experienced it from what I saw in the 2 pictures.
*
The first picture, in black and white, showed Tolo as I remembered her, wounded, remote, alone, and inaccessible. 
*
The second, Tasha had saved to surprise me. It was taken during the weeks she had spent at Amani after our team had left. It showed Tolo in full color with the biggest happiest smile. You know, the smile that makes your cheeks ache. And the smile was not just a polite smile, it reached her eyes and came from her soul. She was laughing and happy!
*
I admitted to the congregation that day that although I felt called to France, I would go anywhere God might send me to fight for and care for the world's poor, abused, and neglected children.
*
That's still true. If for some reason God were to make France impossible, it would be to send me someplace that is more forgotten and where the need is just as great.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

CHAPTER 9 First Missions Trips : Honduras and France.

Honduras in 2003

Medical Mission Trip to a Compassion Project Village

My first time in Central America and my first taste of poverty outside the US. I had participated in Salkehatchie in South Carolina. Youth from all over the state would travel out of town to repair homes in severe disrepair. But this was poverty far deeper than any I’d seen.

*

I was one of the translators and boy was it a stretching me experience. I also worked a lot with the kids because I’m naturally drawn to their energy and purely humble spirits.

 *

The funniest moment was when the Pastor whose message I was prepared to translate yielded the floor to a visiting Pastor and told me to keep translating the newcomer, scripture references and all. But I kept up!?! The Holy Spirit was whispering in my ear. And I was predicting his use of scripture and turning there before he did,lol.

*

After the service though, I was in for a shock. One of the young men in the village, 19 or 20 years old, was having a meltdown and threatening to commit suicide. The Pastor of the village looks around at all the men in the room. There was his assistant Pastor, and his own 19 year old son. There were the doctors and other members of our mission team. Everyone is really waiting for him to say, “Let’s go work this out.’ Instead he looks at me and says “Ricardo, you will talk to him.”

*

And instead of freaking out…on the outside, I did talk to him. He really was just working through depression and crippling mistakes but was quite willing to hear that God still loved Him and wanted a relationship with Him and had plans that he would never discover if he didn’t wait for them. It was an anointed intercession by the Holy Spirit. He ended up weeping out the frustrations and accepting hope in Jesus Christ.

*

France in 2005

The trip to Honduras was great. I learned that my heart beats for the outcast and uncared for, the widow and the orphan, the depressed and the hopeless. I hurt for all of those who are forgotten or whose deep spiritual poverty is invisible to others because that’s who and where I used to be.

*

But I couldn’t see myself in Honduras for life. I thought, “France actually has almost no missionaries and I already speak French 10 time better than Spanish. No awkward search for the right words”

*

I thought of the Vivaldi’s and the millions of other French families who might live their whole lives and never meet a follower of Christ. They seem hard and bitter to the outside world but  the French are hungry and ripe to believe in something real. They question everything and so end up in this place of doubt and fear. They really want a rock they can cling to and I KNOW that’s Jesus.

 *

So for 2 years I searched for organizations that send teams to France and train the French to make disciples. I couldn’t find anything.  I mean no one was ministering there short-term or longterm. I’ve heard France called the missionary graveyard.

*

Then my rightnow.org missions coach pointed me to Navigators. They had a 3 week opportunity to work with kids while their parents attended a spiritual conference. We would all stay at Camp des Cimes in the French Alps. It was like God designed the trip just for me. A small team of American college kids, another teacher, and me to mentor kids and their families in France.

 *

There were 30 or so French families at the Camp des Cimes. While the parents and older teens attend a disciple-making Christ-focused conference, our team would organize activities for the kids. We divided them into groups and I got the elementary boys group. It was like suddenly having 10 younger brothers. We studied the bible, learned praise songs in English,  played volleyball and soccer, all the while laughing and bonding in a mountain paradise.

 *

I was also strategically bunked with the older high school guys. There were 4 of them. They all knew each other from summers past. Two were inseparable and busy flirting with the high school girls.

 *

The other two, Josias Eyraud and David Braesch, and I immediately clicked. Josias was and is one of those golden boys whose flaws are always forgiven thanks to his good looks and charm. Josias was the kind of kid content to be perceived as not very intelligent or deep. He was lazy and well aware of it. He always expected to be able to smile his way out of any trouble. He tried to play tough. But he had a big heart. He had the most patience with my resurrected but flawed French. He is still a work in progress. He recognizes the value of Christ but is still not ready to have a personal relationship with him. 

*

Every day there were activities that encouraged the entire camp to participate. At those times Josias was my shadow. Hiking. Volleyball. Talent show. Nightly singing in French. He was always talking about his other black friends and asking me to sing. He, like many of the French, was intrigued with American culture and music…despite stereotypes to the contrary.

*

He expected me to be a stereotypical basket-ball playin  and rapping black gospel singer and wasn't too shy to say so. I can't even dribble the basketball and rap!?!? I did sing a lot though. I had taken my portable keyboard to Honduras and also to France. Worship music is such an easy way to connect cross-culturally. And it recharges me. 

*

Josias realized pretty early on that I wasn't what he expected. Mainly because of my faith. I could tell that my insistence that boy-talk remain "pure" and my answers to the 1000 questions he asked made him think. I'd catch him eyeing m speculatively, as if to ask "Is he for real? Is that what a christian is?" It was a great time of accountability for me. I discovered that there is no greater witness than utter transparency and sincerity.

*

The camp lasted about 3 weeks. Always the anticipatory griever I had prepared myself to be a little maudlin for the Final Night's Talent Show and celebration. But Josias suprised me by expressing the same joy and regret that it was over so soon. And who knew when we'd all see each other again.. 

*

Emotions ran high as everyone digested the fact that we had become one big family. I can't remember an argument or not wanting to spend extended time with any family there. There were a few tears as we contemplated that night's packing and the next day's hundred goodbyes. Naturally I shed many tears but was a little surprised when the tuff Josias teared up and asked me when I planned to return to France.

*

True to form I headed back to our room not long after the goodbye ceremonies. I always need time to process and reflect and frankly to grieve privately so that I am not undone in public. All the high school kids were hangin out somewhere until late so I had the room to myself. 

*

Then David wanders in. I was about to make small talk when I noticed he seemed pretty serious. Maybe even troubled. So I asked if something was wrong. His answer and the conversation that followed was and is one of the most significant moments I've ever had as a believer. It was one of the moments you live for as a discipler.

*

He said he was actually reflecting on the final message by the conference speaker Gordon. Apparently Gordon had used the bridge diagram to explain how we are separated from God but how only a relationship with Jesus can bridge the gap. He had then gone on to compare our helpless state inof sin to that of a man trapped in a deep well with no hope of climbing out on his own.

*

My packing forgotten, I sensed that David was struggling with where he saw himself in those metaphors. So I asked. He said he understood the metaphors and had heard about Jesus for a long time at home but that he was clearly still separated, still trapped in the well.

*

I remember bein so aware of the spiritual tension in the room as I tried to discern how far to push the conversation. So much seemed to hang in the balance! Was he ready to move forward or was I just supposed to nudge him closer?

*

My gut, or the Holy Spirit, said pto roceed. "What would keep you from accepting Christ right now?"

*

I have to let you hear what he said in his own words... He said

*

"I know I am like the man trapped in the well but I can't... I don't won't to ask Jesus to pull me out because I am not worthy." 

*

I can never get past that response without tears. I believe that because of past rejection he was really afraid to be rejected by God, too. It also indicated a healthy dose of Isaiah's response to the presence of the Almighty. "Woe unto me, I am a man of unclean lips." 

*

I pulled myself together and in Holy-Spirit-inspired-French explained how we all are unworthy, which is why Jesus' sacrifice was necessary. His blood covers and cleanses our unworthiness. I explained how I was no stranger to feelings of unworthiness but that every believer had stood exactly where he was now standing. On the brink of a great adventure. But it would require him to make a big step forward, a step that could only be made by taking a leap of faith to trust in Jesus.

*

I watched him mull that over and I coud see on his face the resistance melting. Right there in that creaky old bunkhouse, with eyes burning with tears and my heart already full from 3 weeks of joy, I heard David Braesch confess his sins and ask His Savior to forgive him and come into his life. He didn't waste any words but asked the Holy Spirit to guide him and closed with a brief prayer of thanksgiving."

*

I remember how surprised his parents were the next day. They thought he was already a believer like themselves. Some of the families had been christians but most were seeking to know more about Christ. The goodbyes were again difficult and were multiplied. I held it together pretty well until Josias' family got ready to leave.  Why are relationships so easy to form but goodbyes so impossibly difficult? He couldn't even speak properly and just cried and hung onto me for a long time.

*

That was how I felt about the whole experience that summer. I wanted to hold tight and never let go. 3 weeks was long enough for us to make relationships that will last a lifetime. The Camp was sponsored by the Navigators French Nationals. By the end of our time together they had asked me to seriously consider full-time mission work in France. They were building a new student ministry in Strasbourg on the border with Germany and invited pray about joining them. When they ended up putting together a team inn the fall that didn't include me I was very disappointed. 

*

How to return to make disciples in France was still a mystery.

But 2 things were confirmed in my heart :

I longed to see the French come to Christ and God could use me to do it.